Me. At least after what I've been through.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
