I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
