I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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