my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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