there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
