Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
