our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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