The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My ass is underappreciated
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
