From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
