my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
