Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
