Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
