I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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