not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
