my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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