No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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