i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
