false alarm. still invincible.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
