dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
