Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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