i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
