I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
