i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
