Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
