Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
