apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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