there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
