I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
porn star boner night. come get it.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
