remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
