I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I deserve this hangover.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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