Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
