I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
