Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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