Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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