if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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