I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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