Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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