When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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