just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
