Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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