Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
