im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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