How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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