please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
