I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
