you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
