why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
