Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
