so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
