So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
