Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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